July 21, 2008
Hello, loyal readers. I hope you’ve been enjoying the blog so far. This is only the third entry I’ve written, but I already must come clean – I’m afraid I haven’t been 100% truthful with you. The premise of this blog is built around the notion that I don’t know much about classical music. That, however, is false. Untrue. A charade. I am a fake. A pretender. A charlatan. A mountebank. I got that last one from the thesaurus! (The first one to correctly define ‘mountebank’ in the Comments section will win a special prize*! And no dictionaries – that’s cheating!)
The truth is, I know LOTS about classical music. I grew up in a household where education was paramount, so I paid attention to everything, because knowledge comes from many sources. And my source for information about music was: Bugs Bunny cartoons. I grew up watching them, and, thanks to the magic of DVD, I can still watch them to this day. And they are still very informative. For example, did you know that if a bull swallows a shotgun, that bull will be able to shoot bullets out of its horns? Well, you do now. You’re welcome.
But I digress. This blog is about music. And so, without further ado, I present to you some facts about music. And we all know that since I saw these things on TV, they must be true, because TV never lies.
FACT: A tuba is a very dangerous instrument. There is an extremely high incident rate of people falling off stages and landing in tubas. Should you ever find yourself in this predicament (and it does happen more often than you think), there is nothing you can do, because you’re upside down, and you can kick your feet, but you’re only kicking air. And that is why tubas are dangerous to other people. Tubas are also dangerous for tuba players, because anyone can reach into a tuba horn, and pull the tuba player out by his or her ears. So I would recommend that all tuba players look around before beginning to play, to make sure no enemies are lurking.
FACT: A harp can be folded up, like a Spanish fan. I imagine this comes in handy, because then you can store the harp under your bed!
FACT: A conductor can dictate what is played (or sung) by how he uses his baton. If he holds it high above his head, that means high notes. If it’s low (down by his waist), that means low notes. I can’t wait to see this in practice at the next LACO concert, in September!
FACT: Speaking of conductors, all the best conductors wear tails, and their tuxedo shirts are so heavily starched that it’s common for them to roll up like a window shade. This is unfortunate, because it’s distracting to the conductor, and, I imagine, the musicians.
So there you have it. Undeniable truths about music. There will be more to come next time (I didn’t want to overwhelm you with so much knowledge all at once). If you think that any of these aren’t true, I invite you to explain why in the Comments section. Please have evidence that supports your claims.
*A hug from me, should I ever meet you.
4 comments
I watched those same cartoons, but never considered the real-world ramifications. Thank you for the profound insights, David!
I'm surprised actually, no FACTS about falling pianos? maybe next time...I'll stay tuned.
I have officially added this to the list as the most important things that I learned today! It rated even higher than the earlier contender that your kidney is really only about the size of a computer mouse.
In addition to the distinct lack of airborne pianos, I also note the conspicuous absence of valkyries! I know nothing of them besides that they are irresistable to short, bald hunters. I crave more wisdom!